It seems to be getting late early for the Flyers this season. In part because they’re bad and everything seems hopeless, but also because they’re on the already west coast and there’s a time difference!
More specifically, the Flyers are on the Canadian west coast! Yes! Canada has a west coast, too! It also has a north coast! There’s sort of a middle coast in Canada, too, because the top half of the country is sick and tired of Sum 41 and is hightailing it to Russia or Norway or somewhere less offensive.
Hi, my name is Ben Rothenberg, and I’ll be guiding you through the Flyers’ adventure through the wild tundra of western Canada this week. Maybe the losses will pile up like snow, or maybe it will be so fun that you’ll piss yourself…but either way you should definitely wear waterproof pants.
- Tonight the Flyers played against the Vancouver Canucks, who are also a below-.500 hockey team. The Flyers lost this game, 4-1. It wasn’t great at all, but it could have been worse.
- A problem the Flyers have: they don’t score. Like, at all. They take lots of shots, but they don’t put any of them behind the goalie. This is a problem and it’s sorta embarrassing. Going into this game, they averaged one goal on every 17 shots, which doesn’t sound immediately horrific until Jackson did the math and noted that it would take them an average of FIFTY-ONE shots just to score three goals. That’s so bad, you guys.
- Some nerds propulgate a theory that shooting percentage always regresses to the mean, but maybe the Flyers are just not aiming anywhere in particular? It’s likelier than them just being unlucky, right?
- The Canucks win was quickly followed by the arena DJ playing “Doop,” as if to mock the Flyers by reminding them of what it used to sound like when they scored goals. Not cool, Mr. DJ. I thought you said we had a deal.
- You might know that tennis is the main sport I cover. Even if you don’t know that, you probably know that tennis is an individual sport, where people don’t have teammates and stuff. When Claude Giroux scored that nice goal of his, it got me wondering if he enjoys having teammates. I’m not sure he does?Right now they’re not very good, but I’m guessing he likes it when they calm him down when he has his tantrums and stuff.
- Know who is on the Canucks? Ryan Miller. Why that dude would seek full-time employment in the building where the most soul-crushing moment of his career happened is beyond me. It’s like running over an old lady in the street and then volunteering as a crossing guard on that exact spot for the rest of your life. Stop hating yourself, Ryan. Let it go.
- Also speaking of the Olympics and Claude Giroux and stuff? Fuck Canada for not picking him for Sochi. I’m sure you’ve forgotten but I’m still not over that. I saw Kimmo Timonen while I was in Sochi and I asked him if he was surprised Claude wasn’t there. “Ain’t that some shit?” I asked? “Ain’t. That. Some. Shit.” he replied.
- Kimmo was cool and all but I still never came close to rooting for the Blackhawks and I hope you didn’t either. Those 2010 Finals ruined my one adult chance of redeeming my childhood, or something.
- Evidently there is no lumber shortage despite all the logging in the Pacific Northwest, because the Canucks’ “Stars of the Game” gave away their sticks to fans in the crowd afterward. They each gently heaved it over the glass and then quickly skated away, not even pausing to see the look of delight on a child’s face. They may not have souls, those Canucks./
I’m gonna be with you guys all the way through the rest of this road trip, so please follow along and tweet me with hashtag suggestions and stuff. Maybe we’ll make t-shirts! Or maybe we’ll just all wear various t-shirts we already own to save ourselves the trouble! Go Flyers.
