VIENNA — It’s time for that glorious Broad Street Hockey tradition: a preview of the Eurovision Song Contest! This time, your hero is actually live on the ground in Vienna at the contest, breathing in its fumes and ready to die happy.
No idea what Eurovision is? WTF, SMH, ETC. Here’s a primer. But really, search “Eurovision” on BSH and you’ll find a bounty of goodness.
So, onto this year, which has a record-high 27 countries competing in Saturday’s final. It’s a contemptously high number, and more quantity than quality, so let’s slim it down a bit to what you need most.
03. Israel
Israel is not in Europe, but it has competed in Eurovision for decades, and it’s definitely the not least European country competing this year! A small victory, but not nearly as big a win as these classic Euro lyrics “I’m a golden boy / Come here to enjoy! / And before I leave / Let me show you Tel Aviv!” Okay, buddy! By the way this guy looks 30 but is allegedly only 16. He’s a reverse Chinese gymnast.
05. United Kingdom
Oh British people, you don’t need to suck at this quite so hard you know. The country that brought us the Beatles, Rolling Stones, and more recently Adele and friggin’ One Direction has a unique ability to send crap and then get indignant about no one voting for them. As close to a last-place lock as you’ll find.
08. Serbia
This is a very this-decade (the tens? the teens? what do we call it idk) song, with a fat lady singing about how it’s awesome to be a fat lady because she’s beautiful. Which I’m all for, to be clear, there’s just a lot of it lately. This one is particularly awesome, because she starts real dull then goes absolutely nuts halfway through the song and so does the entire arena in response. It’s by far the most excited the crowd gets the whole night.
10. Sweden
The betting favorite to win the contest got somewhat hosed by an early spot in the running order, which could make things more interesting. Had this been near the end, it would have been a lock to win. Mans Zelmerlow is super polished, has been practicing with that screen for months, and his little cartoon dudes seem pretty chill. But did they die in the end?? I’m not sure how Europe should feel about mass murder in prime time television, but they’ll probably be okay with it.
12. Australia
No, not Austria. Allegedly to celebrate the 60th anniversary of Eurovision, Australia was invited to be a one-time guest participant in the show since they’ve broadcast it for decades (which, get with the times, ‘merica). The song is pretty solid and should safely slide into the middle of top 10 in what’s not a great year, but I don’t expect much more than that. If they win, Australia will host the show, but in Europe somewhere.
13. Belgium
This song didn’t get much pre-show attention at all, but now is as high as fourth in the odds to win it all. It sounds and looks like Lorde would make if she was a Belgian boy with severe scoliosis, which is a good thing I guess? I liked it all along, I just didn’t expect anyone else to and I’m a little confused now.
19. Latvia
After a brutal seven year absence, Latvia is finally back in the final for the first time since those pirates! As Latvia is the adopted country of Broad Street Hockey, this of course makes you extremely happy and you’ll be rooting them for to win even though this song is fairly odd. I mean it’s not bad and she clearly can sing, but her dress weighs more than her and that’s not something that should happen.
25. Russia
While people here are divided on who they want to win, there’s a fairly strong consensus that Russia winning would be less than ideal, because of that whole incursion into Ukraine thing and them having no chill when it comes to the gays. Russia can very much win on merits, though, since this song is pretty solid (if unoriginal) and sung well by a blonde lady. Eurovision is something of a popularity contest, which won’t help Russia, but it’s also about neighbors being neighborly, and nothing says “please don’t invade us next!” like throwing some Eurovision points towards Russia. Also look for rainbow flags to be held up in front of the cameras during the song, because trolling Russia from the safety of Austria is always fun.
27. Italy
Italy sends an opera boyband (apparently that’s a thing in Italy) and I kind of hope they win just because their music video features a reenactment of one of the less famous scenes from Back to the Future, which is a pretty remarkable choice. They go last, which is a big advantage and a possible counterweight to Russia also going late.
Bonus: Finland
Finland made one of the cooler choices in recent years of Eurovision, sending a punk band made up of four dudes with developmental disabilities. They did not make it out of the semifinal, but it was still pretty awesome.
So that’s about it. The show will be streaming on YouTube and elsewhere starting 9:00 pm in Vienna (3:00 pm in Philadelphia), and I’ll be tweeting up a damn storm, too. So come follow along and be cool, please?
