It’s the end of July, which means it’s the perfect time for some good ol’ fun offseason content! Today, I present to you a far less serious piece than my more recent work. I was re-watching Major League Baseball’s celebrity softball match from this season’s All Star Game, and reminiscing over the days of Ryan Howard and that core in Phillies history. Seeing all of the celebrities there got me thinking…can we make a lineup of celebrity Flyers fans? Well, as a matter of fact, yes we can:
Goalie: Joe Biden
We will be kicking off this list with the former Vice President of the United States, and current Democratic Party candidate. At age 76 years old, just two years older than Flyer great Bernie Parent, Biden may not have the best mobility, but, as Bernie showed us all the way back in 2012, age is just a number:
Standing at six foot even, Biden has the frame to strap on the pads and make some key stops for this team. Though, in order to succeed, he will need the defense to step up to compliment his expected ‘stand up goalie’ style of play. He may have to work on his goaltending mentality though, as being bi-partisan to the other team means giving up goals (which in my hockey experience, is bad)!
LD: Sylvester Stallone
How could we not have Rocky Balboa himself on this list? For starters, Stallone is left handed, and is therefore well suited to the left side of the defense. He stands at 5’8”, and having played Rocky, will have the quickness in his feet to be an effective puck moving defenseman while also being able to recover and retreat to the neutral zone (bear with me on this one). Though, at 73, his best playing days may be behind him, he still shows effective leadership, which was on full display in his mentorship of Adonis Creed.
RD: Dave Mustaine
The Megadeth guitarist and hardcore metal musician would be the perfect addition of grit and toughness to this lineup. Standing at six foot even, Mustaine has the height and frame to succeed at the NHL level, and would be loved by coaches for this reason. Every team needs a bit of thrash metal on their back line eh? Not only does Mustaine look tough, and shred tough, but he can back it up too. He evidently has a black belt in both Taekwondo and Ukidokan Karate, so no longer will opposing forwards get away with parking in front of the slot. He also is right handed, and everybody knows that having a right handed defenseman on the right side is key. Also, we can’t forget the excellent hockey hair.
LW: Adam F. Goldberg
The creator of the Goldbergs, as in the show, is a huge Flyers fan. The screenwriter fits the bill as this team’s power forward. Listed at 6’3”, Goldberg has the build to be able to get to the front of the net and screen goalies to generate offense. His creative mind will also come into play in this role, as he’ll be able to use his size and strength to protect the puck and feed his line-mates for chances. He will be a valuable asset to this team.
C: David Boreanaz
When not spotted at the ‘Farg rocking his vintage 2007 Jeff Carter jersey, Boreanaz can be found on the small screen, most famously on the hit show Bones, where he played FBI Agent Seeley Booth. He has played numerous other roles, and this versatility will allow him to succeed as this team’s center. In order to portray an FBI agent, Boreanaz would have needed pinpoint accuracy and toughness, which are very useful skills. He will therefore be able to thread passes through to his teammates, and win the puck from below the net. Being 6’0” also doesn’t hurt David’s NHL readiness either. He has the makeup to be the franchise cornerstone at the tender age of 50 years old (yes I also couldn’t believe he is 50).
SEAL approved @nhl @adidashockey #NHLFaceOFF @SealteamCBS #Flyers @NHLFlyers pic.twitter.com/QGXnDJsfsb
— David Boreanaz (@David_Boreanaz) October 4, 2017
RW: Rob McElhenney
Though he is just 5’8”, the It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia actor has the compete level to succeed as this team’s right wing. A noted Philadelphia sports fan, McElhenny is a very vocal supporter of the Philadelphia Eagles, and has displayed his toughness both on the show and in real life (as seen during his brutal takedown of the Office). Indeed, in the episode “Mac’s Big Break”, both he and Charlie Day skate on Wells Fargo Center ice:
If that’s not proof enough that Mac should be on this team, than I don’t know what is. Both he and Boreanaz will anchor the forward corps, and lead the team to victory. (Note that I would’ve included Charlie Day, but he is from Rhode Island and is a Patriots fan. Disappointing.)
